Overwhelmed

          I've been way too stressed lately.  The situation with my current therapist is a rough one and honestly, I hate it.  Even though I know he means well, and transitioning to a therapist who I can see long-term is necessary, I don't want to leave him.  The fact that I'm not getting what I need from a nutritional aspect is incredibly stressful and frustrating as well since I desperately need to talk about food-related things and my crazy food thoughts that haven't gone away.  I feel like things keep escalating and I have no way to control them.
          Yesterday everything finally came to a head in the evening when I had somewhat of a breakdown.  My therapist had given me the number of a local eating disorder treatment center that does outpatient therapy and nutrition appointments, yet when I spoke to somebody there during the afternoon I was informed that they are not a part of my insurance plan.  After that, I felt completely hopeless and discouraged.  I thought it was the one place that would make the therapist transition okay and bearable, yet I was now being rejected, I felt.  It left me feeling hopeless and desparate and extra stressed about the whole eating disorder situation and lack of a cohesive treatment team.
          After leaving work, I gradually progressed into a panicked and anxious mode and it got to a point where I just couldn't be in my apartment.  I just needed to get away.  I felt so lost and hopeless and stressed.  It's hard enough to deal with an eating disorder with a good team.  But dealing with one without that good team?  Treacherous.  I felt a breakdown coming and there was no way to stop it.
          I made a very poor, self-harming decision last night.  In the moment, I felt that it was my only outlet.  I needed something, anything, to control and dull the pain, anger, frustration, and sadness I was feeling.  So I ended up taking it out on myself.  The scary thing is, once I engaged in this act, I felt okay.  I felt calm.  It was like all of the anxiety and worry and "what-if" catastrophizing voices in my head were suddenly quiet.  I could think again, I could breathe again, I could relax again.  I want to get to that point without engaging in an unhealthy self-harming behavior.

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         Today was a fresh day and I made the choice to take matters into my own hands and make some more phone calls for a therapist.  Lo and behold, I managed to connect with one who came highly recommended to me and I now have an initial appointment with this new woman on Friday evening.  I'm nervous, but oddly enough, I found myself actually excited about this appointment.  As terrible as it will be to switch therapists, I will admit that somewhere (very deep) inside of me I am excited to work with somebody long-term who will be able to help me heal from the emotional and verbal abuse I faced as a child.
          In addition to that, I made the decision to email my old dietitian--the one who had left ASU.  I'm so frustrated with the lack of a seeing a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders that I decided to reach out to the one person who I know I connect with and can help me.  Hopefully, she'll respond and be willing to meet with me.
          Again, overall things are okay.  Work is good, classes are good, and TAing is more work than I imagined but I'm loving it.  The one bump in the road right now is that I'll be getting foot surgery in ten days and I won't be able to play softball until May.  I haven't freaked out about that yet, but I'm sure I will when the reality of having hindered mobility and not being able to play softball truly hits me.
          Even though things are "okay," as I always say, I still worry about myself sometimes (more than I ever admit, actually).  As I said it to Allison the other night, I feel that I'm always on the gradual verge of a possible breakdown, which usually leads to some sort of unhealthy coping mechanism.  On the surface, things are good:  school, work, TAing, etc.  Yet at times, it's like all of that is just a façade and behind the scenes things can crumble at any time.  Walking on eggshells, feeling that you're without the support you need, and might collapse at any minute  is such a terrifying feeling to live with.
          To get through the day and not worry and dwell on things that might not even happen, and probably won't happen, I try to focus on what makes me happy and what takes my mind off of things.  I'm definitely a workaholic, but I can honestly say that I'm both good at what I do and I love what I do at my job and as a TA. One great benefit of it is that it allows me to escape the head of somebody with an eating disorder.  Sitting at work, chatting with colleagues, working on projects, and dealing with the "stress" of the workday is actually quite enjoyable for me.  I live for my weekdays and fear the weekends, which leave me with little work and too much time for myself.  For me, "time for myself" equals time that I'm in my head way too much.  I want to be able to look forward to the weekends and look forward for that relaxing downtime the way I now look forward to my weekdays.

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One thing that makes work enjoyable is my new addition to my desk:

A surprise present from Allison...how sweet :-)