So much has happened since last week, and most of it good, I think. Since then, I had an appointment with my old dietitian, had an initial appointment with a new therapist, and actually had a decent weekend going to my team's softball games and taking some sweet pictures at one of our local parks (see below!). The only downside, which happens to be huge, is that next week will be my last session with my current therapist here at ASU.
First things first: seeing my old dietitian was awesome. I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost three months and just being in the same room with her talking about mundane life things felt so good. She gets me, knows my story, and understands the struggles and pain that come with an eating disorder. The actual appointment was pretty good as well. Unlike Karla, she always validates what I'm thinking or feeling and truly "gets it"--she understands that just because I might not be bingeing, purging, or restricting doesn't mean that I still don't have a problem. We did quite a bit of catching up food-wise, talking about how the past months were and how things are going now, and made a plan to get back on track (which I desperately need and want to do). Lately, I've been struggling with a lot--being able to recognize feeling hungry or full, not being obsessive in my head about "good" and "bad" foods, and trying not to think about how what I'm eating will affect my weight, to name a few. So now I'm back to doing food journals, which always make for good sessions since they're always filled with brutal honesty. A brief look into one of them, taken from Monday around noon while I was at work, really emphasizes the struggle, I think:
"Food: Mini bagel with pumpkin butter and cream cheese, Yoplus light yogurt, goldfish. Hunger: 7 (with 10 being starving); Thoughts: The debate has started in my head. I already feel like I'm going to be mentally unsatisfied because everything is tiny size-wise. But I'm also convinced that it's borderline wayyy too much food because in total it's sixty carbs. I already skipped eating a morning snack, but I have no idea if it was because I actually wasn't hungry or was [hungry] but occupied myself at work so I didn't feel [the hunger]. And even though I'm hungry now, I'm not sure if I'm eating because I want to or because I'm telling myself I should because it's 'lunch time.' Looking at the food and taking a bite, I don't want to do this. I don't want to eat. I feel gross, huge, ashamed. If nothing else, I want to close my [office] door so nobody can see me. I can't even look anybody in the eyes right now. But at least the food [tastes] good, I guess."Looking at the above, there is just such confusion and obsession and preoccupation in my head. But that's my thought process on a relatively regular basis, and I hate it, and having that all subside and transition into "normal eating" is what I hope to gain now.
My initial session with a new therapist was...okay. Of course, in my head, I could only compare her to my one at ASU, and she's nothing like him. That obviously doesn't mean that she's bad by any means, but I think I'm just not mentally ready to make the switch. But in all honesty, I probably would never take the intiative to make the switch. The appointment on Friday evening was somewhat uneventful. I think it was like a traditional first appointment--answering a lot of questions about my history, past behaviors, where I'm at now, etc. My one big worry is that she's too nice. That sounds crazy, but I'm worried that she won't push me enough...but only time will tell with that one. I had that same fear with my therapist from ASU because he's extremely soft-spoken and kindhearted, but over time I came to realize that he most definitely did push me, but in much more subtle ways than the dietitian at ASU did with her sarcasm and blunt comments (which is totally something I'm looking forward to now that I'm seeing her again). I have a second appointment with the new therapist this upcoming weekend and I hope to delve into some of the actual food issues, ed behaviors, and history in abusive relationships to get a better sense of whether or not I like her style.
I also had a huge realization over the weekend: I can't wait to feel vulnerable with both my old dietitian and new therapist. I realized, after the fact, that in both appointments with the dietitian and new therapist, I had a major wall up. I was completely honest with them when I answered their questions, but I also didn't necessarily put myself out there and take the risk of opening up to them. I also realized that, when looking back on my time with my therapist here at ASU, I feel like I made the most progress and had the most productive sessions when I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to feel, to cry, in his office. I want that feeling back--it's almost like a challenge to myself, which I thrive on.
Given that my therapy appointment with my ASU therapist was incredibly painful since he and I both realized that we would be saying goodbye next week, overall things are okay (as I always say). I go through periods where I'm miserable and tear at the thought of saying goodbye to him next week, but also recognize that the switch to a therapist who can support me long-term is necessary. I'm dreading next Wednesday and I'm absolutely petrified. I'm so incredibly scared. I know that I've definitely come to the conclusion that I cannot do this on my own. I can't get through recovery by myself, and my therapist at ASU was one of the most influential and helpful people in this process to date. The thought of not having somebody like him on my support team is what scares me the most.
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And as mentioned, a few of my favorite pictures I took from this weekend:
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