Ok, so it's been way too long (again) since the last post. Two weeks, actually. I feel like a lot has happened, yet at the same time, nothing too noteworthy, except for 3 continuous days of rain in Tempe and a tornado (!) warning. The past two weeks have been ridiculously busy. I've been playing softball 3 times a week, planning for the graduate level class I'm TAing for, getting a promotion and working 40 hours a week, and prepping for the beginning of the semester (which just started a few days ago). Throw in my weekly appointments, and all of that left me little time to relax or do much for myself, so blogging was put on the back burner.
I now have a new dietitian, Karla. She's not permanent, as she's the one who works with our student-athletes, but is merely filling in until a new, permanent dietitian is hired. I'm not sure how I feel about Karla. She's super nice, and knows her stuff nutritionally, but from an eating disorder point of view, something is definitely lacking. In the past few weeks, I've rebounded from my relapse and am doing much better, but the mental thoughts are still there. The restrict/binge cycles and purging have essentially been cut down to almost zero on a daily basis, but the thoughts and wanting to still routinely permeate my head. To me, this is still a problem. While I'm doing well in terms of my actions, I would not say that I'm doing well in terms of my thoughts. Who wants to have crazy and obsessive food rules/thoughts and urges to restrict and binge with the occasional want to purge? Yet I feel like when I talk about all of that with Karla (I've seen her 3 times now), she tells me how wonderfully I'm doing since I'm no longer engaging in unhealthy behaviors. This sort of reaction is not what I need or want, and I feel like it has a huge negative effect on me. Karla has dealt with eating disorders in the past, yet I can tell that it's not her specialty or what she focuses on daily with her student-athletes. I need somebody who understands and realizes that an eating disorder is about so much more than the food. For everybody with an eating disorder, there is some root cause that drives the disordered eating behaviors and thoughts. For me, it was my highly abusive relationship with my mother (and at times my dad as well). I'm not sure how much Karla understands that an eating disorder is just not about the food.
For the time being, I am going to continue to see Karla, as I feel that it's better than not seeing anybody. While she is not providing me with what I need, I'm still talking about the food and what I'm eating on a daily basis and that's incredibly important to me. Since secrecy was always such a big thing for me (I frequently binged or even just engaged in "normal eating" privately because I was so ashmed to put food in my mouth), it's healthy for me to share what I eat. That takes away the secrecy, and therefore the power, of the food.
Outside of the Karla situation, appointments with both Dr. H and my therapist have been going quite well. Dr. H is always nothing but understanding and compassionate about everything, and I feel like I've been making great progress in therapy in regards to coming to terms with my abusive past with my mother. The downside to talking about my childhood is that I end up reliving it (to an extent, and in the safe environment of my therapist's office) when I think and talk about it, which is incredibly upsetting. While I'm able to say that the relationship between me and my mom was most definitely abusive, I don't know it or feel it. So essentially, I'm still in denial. It hurts too much to admit that I was abused. I can't--won't--do it. When confronted with that, I vehemently deny it. I'm just not ready to admit or accept it, even though somewhere within me, I know it's true.
So, that's the general update, I'd say. I'm going to make a valient effort to post more frequently, especially as there are bound to be plenty of updates on a daily or weekly basis regarding eating disorder stuff or just life in general. Blogging and writing also helps me tremendously sort through my thoughts, which are often confusing, overwhelming, or painful.
And on a random note to close, I've been debating switching over to WordPress. It seems much cooler with many more features that I like than BlogSpot, but we'll see..
22 January 2010
06 January 2010
Back to Work
So it's been almost two weeks and I figured I should write a little bit and give an update of things. The trip to the east coast went better than expected. Not only were the flights smooth but the time with Allison's family was great. She has the most precious little nephew who I totally fell in love with (even though I claim I hate children). I'm always nervous to meet the family of people I'm dating but I can honestly say that her family was the most welcoming out of any family I've ever met. During the four days I was there, food issues were definitely still present (how can they not be during big Christmas dinners and breakfasts consisting of sausage, gravy, and biscuits?), but overall things were good. Allison and I then took three days to drive almost 2500 miles back to Arizona, which is most definitely not recommended. Driving for 24+ hours straight was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. Luckily, she, I, and her car all made it in one piece. So far, sharing my apartment and living with Allison has been nothing short of great.
The week between Christmas and New Years was definitely relaxing regarding eating disorder stuff. No doctor, therapy, or nutrition appointments left me feeling like I had returned back to my "normal life"--the one before dealing with the hardships and heartache I face going down the road to recovery. Now that I'm back to Arizona and the holidays are over, it's time to head back to work (check out the view from the office I sit in) and back to my appointments. At the end of last semester and before I left for Pennsylvania, I had been in a tough spot and the thought of being away from my team (and without a dietitian) was incredibly nerve-wracking. I yearned to go back to my routine, consistently see my team, and continue with my treatment. However, now as that time has come, I was hit with a startling realization the other day--I actually liked the reprieve from treatment. Not only did I like it, but I was annoyed with the fact that I'd have to start up everything again. After feeling what it was like to not have to deal with the difficult recovery process, I didn't want to go back to thinking of painful memories and dealing with uncomfortable feelings. I liked my vacation. I know I have a choice, but for me to get better and get over this eating disorder, I have no choice but to continue on with my treatment and my appointments.
Instead of waiting for my doctor (Dr. H, as she said I could call her) or therapist to tell me when a new dietitian was hired, I decided to take the initiative and call our campus health service to see if anybody was seeing ed patients. To my surprise, I was told that there was somebody filling in until a new dietitian is hired. This fill-in is a woman who has been working with our Division I athletes but in the old dietitian's absence is now seeing non-athlete patients as well. I have an appointment with her on Thursday morning which I'm of course nervous for. I'm not looking forward to re-telling my story and talking about my behaviors and the crazy thoughts and my food rules. I hope she "gets it"--gets how difficult it is to talk about this stuff, how painful and embarrassing it can be, and that I need her support and help in this process. I need her to get it.
I also have a therapy session in an hour which I'm a bit nervous for. Hell, what aren't I nervous about? Last time I met with my therapist, he told me that I need to come into to the next session (today's) with a list of what I wanted to get out of my treatment. When he mentioned this to me, I had that sinking "oh shit, I don't want to do this" feeling in my stomach. He continued to say that I really needed to think about this and I needed to be selfish. He wanted specifics about what I wanted in regards to the eating disorder, body image, etc. That was the last thing I wanted to hear as not only am I bad at being selfish and thinking about myself but I absolutely hate discussing anything related to body image. Talking about what I look like and how I see myself is so incredibly uncomfortable. The thought of talking about how I look and feel about myself makes my skin absolutely crawl.
Preparing for this session with my therapist has not been fun (well, what part of recovery is?). I put off thinking about my goals for five days before I finally gave it some thought. What I finally came up with was that ultimately, I want to be recovered from my eating disorder. I want to be free from the crazy and obsessive food thoughts and food rules that govern my eating habits and the majority of my thoughts. I want to be okay and at peace with myself in every way possible, but most specifically, regarding who I am and what I look like. While everybody might have days here and there where they feel unattractive, I never want to have "fat days" where I want to slice off what I consider to be extra fat on my body the way a hot knife glides through butter. I want to look at myself in the mirror and actually like myself. I want to see myself and not see fat, disgusting, gross, pathetic, and worthless. I can't even imagine how freeing it must be to look at yourself and think positive thoughts about your appearance and who you are, but that's what I want. And in addition to all of that, I want to be free from my parents and their abuse. I'll never forgot their harsh and sometimes cruel words and actions, but I want to be able to live my life free from the pain they caused. My goal is to be free.
The week between Christmas and New Years was definitely relaxing regarding eating disorder stuff. No doctor, therapy, or nutrition appointments left me feeling like I had returned back to my "normal life"--the one before dealing with the hardships and heartache I face going down the road to recovery. Now that I'm back to Arizona and the holidays are over, it's time to head back to work (check out the view from the office I sit in) and back to my appointments. At the end of last semester and before I left for Pennsylvania, I had been in a tough spot and the thought of being away from my team (and without a dietitian) was incredibly nerve-wracking. I yearned to go back to my routine, consistently see my team, and continue with my treatment. However, now as that time has come, I was hit with a startling realization the other day--I actually liked the reprieve from treatment. Not only did I like it, but I was annoyed with the fact that I'd have to start up everything again. After feeling what it was like to not have to deal with the difficult recovery process, I didn't want to go back to thinking of painful memories and dealing with uncomfortable feelings. I liked my vacation. I know I have a choice, but for me to get better and get over this eating disorder, I have no choice but to continue on with my treatment and my appointments.
Instead of waiting for my doctor (Dr. H, as she said I could call her) or therapist to tell me when a new dietitian was hired, I decided to take the initiative and call our campus health service to see if anybody was seeing ed patients. To my surprise, I was told that there was somebody filling in until a new dietitian is hired. This fill-in is a woman who has been working with our Division I athletes but in the old dietitian's absence is now seeing non-athlete patients as well. I have an appointment with her on Thursday morning which I'm of course nervous for. I'm not looking forward to re-telling my story and talking about my behaviors and the crazy thoughts and my food rules. I hope she "gets it"--gets how difficult it is to talk about this stuff, how painful and embarrassing it can be, and that I need her support and help in this process. I need her to get it.
I also have a therapy session in an hour which I'm a bit nervous for. Hell, what aren't I nervous about? Last time I met with my therapist, he told me that I need to come into to the next session (today's) with a list of what I wanted to get out of my treatment. When he mentioned this to me, I had that sinking "oh shit, I don't want to do this" feeling in my stomach. He continued to say that I really needed to think about this and I needed to be selfish. He wanted specifics about what I wanted in regards to the eating disorder, body image, etc. That was the last thing I wanted to hear as not only am I bad at being selfish and thinking about myself but I absolutely hate discussing anything related to body image. Talking about what I look like and how I see myself is so incredibly uncomfortable. The thought of talking about how I look and feel about myself makes my skin absolutely crawl.
Preparing for this session with my therapist has not been fun (well, what part of recovery is?). I put off thinking about my goals for five days before I finally gave it some thought. What I finally came up with was that ultimately, I want to be recovered from my eating disorder. I want to be free from the crazy and obsessive food thoughts and food rules that govern my eating habits and the majority of my thoughts. I want to be okay and at peace with myself in every way possible, but most specifically, regarding who I am and what I look like. While everybody might have days here and there where they feel unattractive, I never want to have "fat days" where I want to slice off what I consider to be extra fat on my body the way a hot knife glides through butter. I want to look at myself in the mirror and actually like myself. I want to see myself and not see fat, disgusting, gross, pathetic, and worthless. I can't even imagine how freeing it must be to look at yourself and think positive thoughts about your appearance and who you are, but that's what I want. And in addition to all of that, I want to be free from my parents and their abuse. I'll never forgot their harsh and sometimes cruel words and actions, but I want to be able to live my life free from the pain they caused. My goal is to be free.
***
It's pretty hard to complain about going to work when it's always this beautiful in sunny Tempe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
