Back to the Grind

          Ok, so it's been way too long (again) since the last post.  Two weeks, actually.  I feel like a lot has happened, yet at the same time, nothing too noteworthy, except for 3 continuous days of rain in Tempe and a tornado (!) warning.  The past two weeks have been ridiculously busy.  I've been playing softball 3 times a week, planning for the graduate level class I'm TAing for, getting a promotion and working 40 hours a week, and prepping for the beginning of the semester (which just started a few days ago).  Throw in my weekly appointments, and all of that left me little time to relax or do much for myself, so blogging was put on the back burner.
          I now have a new dietitian, Karla.  She's not permanent, as she's the one who works with our student-athletes, but is merely filling in until a new, permanent dietitian is hired.  I'm not sure how I feel about Karla.  She's super nice, and knows her stuff nutritionally, but from an eating disorder point of view, something is definitely lacking.  In the past few weeks, I've rebounded from my relapse and am doing much better, but the mental thoughts are still there.  The restrict/binge cycles and purging have essentially been cut down to almost zero on a daily basis, but the thoughts and wanting to still routinely permeate my head.  To me, this is still a problem.  While I'm doing well in terms of my actions, I would not say that I'm doing well in terms of my thoughts.  Who wants to have crazy and obsessive food rules/thoughts and urges to restrict and binge with the occasional want to purge?  Yet I feel like when I talk about all of that with Karla (I've seen her 3 times now), she tells me how wonderfully I'm doing since I'm no longer engaging in unhealthy behaviors.  This sort of reaction is not what I need or want, and I feel like it has a huge negative effect on me.  Karla has dealt with eating disorders in the past, yet I can tell that it's not her specialty or what she focuses on daily with her student-athletes.  I need somebody who understands and realizes that an eating disorder is about so much more than the food.  For everybody with an eating disorder, there is some root cause that drives the disordered eating behaviors and thoughts.  For me, it was my highly abusive relationship with my mother (and at times my dad as well).  I'm not sure how much Karla understands that an eating disorder is just not about the food.
          For the time being, I am going to continue to see Karla, as I feel that it's better than not seeing anybody.  While she is not providing me with what I need, I'm still talking about the food and what I'm eating on a daily basis and that's incredibly important to me.  Since secrecy was always such a big thing for me (I frequently binged or even just engaged in "normal eating" privately because I was so ashmed to put food in my mouth), it's healthy for me to share what I eat.  That takes away the secrecy, and therefore the power, of the food.
          Outside of the Karla situation, appointments with both Dr. H and my therapist have been going quite well.  Dr. H is always nothing but understanding and compassionate about everything, and I feel like I've been making great progress in therapy in regards to coming to terms with my abusive past with my mother.  The downside to talking about my childhood is that I end up reliving it (to an extent, and in the safe environment of my therapist's office) when I think and talk about it, which is incredibly upsetting.  While I'm able to say that the relationship between me and my mom was most definitely abusive, I don't know it or feel it.  So essentially, I'm still in denial.  It hurts too much to admit that I was abused.  I can't--won't--do it.  When confronted with that, I vehemently deny it.  I'm just not ready to admit or accept it, even though somewhere within me, I know it's true.
          So, that's the general update, I'd say.  I'm going to make a valient effort to post more frequently, especially as there are bound to be plenty of updates on a daily or weekly basis regarding eating disorder stuff or just life in general.  Blogging and writing also helps me tremendously sort through my thoughts, which are often confusing, overwhelming, or painful.
          And on a random note to close, I've been debating switching over to WordPress.  It seems much cooler with many more features that I like than BlogSpot, but we'll see..