Back to Work

          So it's been almost two weeks and I figured I should write a little bit and give an update of things.  The trip to the east coast went better than expected.  Not only were the flights smooth but the time with Allison's family was great.  She has the most precious little nephew who I totally fell in love with (even though I claim I hate children).  I'm always nervous to meet the family of people I'm dating but I can honestly say that her family was the most welcoming out of any family I've ever met.  During the four days I was there, food issues were definitely still present (how can they not be during big Christmas dinners and breakfasts consisting of sausage, gravy, and biscuits?), but overall things were good.  Allison and I then took three days to drive almost 2500 miles back to Arizona, which is most definitely not recommended.  Driving for 24+ hours straight was probably one of the worst experiences of my life.  Luckily, she, I, and her car all made it in one piece.  So far, sharing my apartment and living with Allison has been nothing short of great.
          The week between Christmas and New Years was definitely relaxing regarding eating disorder stuff.  No doctor, therapy, or nutrition appointments left me feeling like I had returned back to my "normal life"--the one before dealing with the hardships and heartache I face going down the road to recovery.  Now that I'm back to Arizona and the holidays are over, it's time to head back to work (check out the view from the office I sit in) and back to my appointments.  At the end of last semester and before I left for Pennsylvania, I had been in a tough spot and the thought of being away from my team (and without a dietitian) was incredibly nerve-wracking.  I yearned to go back to my routine, consistently see my team, and continue with my treatment.  However, now as that time has come, I was hit with a startling realization the other day--I actually liked the reprieve from treatment.  Not only did I like it, but I was annoyed with the fact that I'd have to start up everything again.  After feeling what it was like to not have to deal with the difficult recovery process, I didn't want to go back to thinking of painful memories and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.  I liked my vacation.  I know I have a choice, but for me to get better and get over this eating disorder, I have no choice but to continue on with my treatment and my appointments.
          Instead of waiting for my doctor (Dr. H, as she said I could call her) or therapist to tell me when a new dietitian was hired, I decided to take the initiative and call our campus health service to see if anybody was seeing ed patients.  To my surprise, I was told that there was somebody filling in until a new dietitian is hired.  This fill-in is a woman who has been working with our Division I athletes but in the old dietitian's absence is now seeing non-athlete patients as well.  I have an appointment with her on Thursday morning which I'm of course nervous for.  I'm not looking forward to re-telling my story and talking about my behaviors and the crazy thoughts and my food rules.  I hope she "gets it"--gets how difficult it is to talk about this stuff, how painful and embarrassing it can be, and that I need her support and help in this process.  I need her to get it.
          I also have a therapy session in an hour which I'm a bit nervous for.  Hell, what aren't I nervous about?  Last time I met with my therapist, he told me that I need to come into to the next session (today's) with a list of what I wanted to get out of my treatment.  When he mentioned this to me, I had that sinking "oh shit, I don't want to do this" feeling in my stomach.  He continued to say that I really needed to think about this and I needed to be selfish.  He wanted specifics about what I wanted in regards to the eating disorder, body image, etc.  That was the last thing I wanted to hear as not only am I bad at being selfish and thinking about myself but I absolutely hate discussing anything related to body image.  Talking about what I look like and how I see myself is so incredibly uncomfortable.  The thought of talking about  how I look and feel about myself makes my skin absolutely crawl.
          Preparing for this session with my therapist has not been fun (well, what part of recovery is?).  I put off thinking about my goals for five days before I finally gave it some thought.  What I finally came up with was that ultimately, I want to be recovered from my eating disorder.  I want to be free from the crazy and obsessive food thoughts and food rules that govern my eating habits and the majority of my thoughts.  I want to be okay and at peace with myself in every way possible, but most specifically, regarding who I am and what I look like.  While everybody might have days here and there where they feel unattractive, I never want to have "fat days" where I want to slice off what I consider to be extra fat on my body the way a hot knife glides through butter.  I want to look at myself in the mirror and actually like myself.  I want to see myself and not see fat, disgusting, gross, pathetic, and worthless.  I can't even imagine how freeing it must be to look at yourself and think positive thoughts about your appearance and who you are, but that's what I want.  And in addition to all of that, I want to be free from my parents and their abuse.  I'll never forgot their harsh and sometimes cruel words and actions, but I want to be able to live my life free from the pain they caused.  My goal is to be free.

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It's pretty hard to complain about going to work when it's always this beautiful in sunny Tempe.