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18 February 2010
16 February 2010
Almost Time to Say Goodbye
Note of caution: No severe actions/behaviors, but might be triggering.
So much has happened since last week, and most of it good, I think. Since then, I had an appointment with my old dietitian, had an initial appointment with a new therapist, and actually had a decent weekend going to my team's softball games and taking some sweet pictures at one of our local parks (see below!). The only downside, which happens to be huge, is that next week will be my last session with my current therapist here at ASU.
First things first: seeing my old dietitian was awesome. I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost three months and just being in the same room with her talking about mundane life things felt so good. She gets me, knows my story, and understands the struggles and pain that come with an eating disorder. The actual appointment was pretty good as well. Unlike Karla, she always validates what I'm thinking or feeling and truly "gets it"--she understands that just because I might not be bingeing, purging, or restricting doesn't mean that I still don't have a problem. We did quite a bit of catching up food-wise, talking about how the past months were and how things are going now, and made a plan to get back on track (which I desperately need and want to do). Lately, I've been struggling with a lot--being able to recognize feeling hungry or full, not being obsessive in my head about "good" and "bad" foods, and trying not to think about how what I'm eating will affect my weight, to name a few. So now I'm back to doing food journals, which always make for good sessions since they're always filled with brutal honesty. A brief look into one of them, taken from Monday around noon while I was at work, really emphasizes the struggle, I think:
My initial session with a new therapist was...okay. Of course, in my head, I could only compare her to my one at ASU, and she's nothing like him. That obviously doesn't mean that she's bad by any means, but I think I'm just not mentally ready to make the switch. But in all honesty, I probably would never take the intiative to make the switch. The appointment on Friday evening was somewhat uneventful. I think it was like a traditional first appointment--answering a lot of questions about my history, past behaviors, where I'm at now, etc. My one big worry is that she's too nice. That sounds crazy, but I'm worried that she won't push me enough...but only time will tell with that one. I had that same fear with my therapist from ASU because he's extremely soft-spoken and kindhearted, but over time I came to realize that he most definitely did push me, but in much more subtle ways than the dietitian at ASU did with her sarcasm and blunt comments (which is totally something I'm looking forward to now that I'm seeing her again). I have a second appointment with the new therapist this upcoming weekend and I hope to delve into some of the actual food issues, ed behaviors, and history in abusive relationships to get a better sense of whether or not I like her style.
I also had a huge realization over the weekend: I can't wait to feel vulnerable with both my old dietitian and new therapist. I realized, after the fact, that in both appointments with the dietitian and new therapist, I had a major wall up. I was completely honest with them when I answered their questions, but I also didn't necessarily put myself out there and take the risk of opening up to them. I also realized that, when looking back on my time with my therapist here at ASU, I feel like I made the most progress and had the most productive sessions when I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to feel, to cry, in his office. I want that feeling back--it's almost like a challenge to myself, which I thrive on.
Given that my therapy appointment with my ASU therapist was incredibly painful since he and I both realized that we would be saying goodbye next week, overall things are okay (as I always say). I go through periods where I'm miserable and tear at the thought of saying goodbye to him next week, but also recognize that the switch to a therapist who can support me long-term is necessary. I'm dreading next Wednesday and I'm absolutely petrified. I'm so incredibly scared. I know that I've definitely come to the conclusion that I cannot do this on my own. I can't get through recovery by myself, and my therapist at ASU was one of the most influential and helpful people in this process to date. The thought of not having somebody like him on my support team is what scares me the most.
So much has happened since last week, and most of it good, I think. Since then, I had an appointment with my old dietitian, had an initial appointment with a new therapist, and actually had a decent weekend going to my team's softball games and taking some sweet pictures at one of our local parks (see below!). The only downside, which happens to be huge, is that next week will be my last session with my current therapist here at ASU.
First things first: seeing my old dietitian was awesome. I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost three months and just being in the same room with her talking about mundane life things felt so good. She gets me, knows my story, and understands the struggles and pain that come with an eating disorder. The actual appointment was pretty good as well. Unlike Karla, she always validates what I'm thinking or feeling and truly "gets it"--she understands that just because I might not be bingeing, purging, or restricting doesn't mean that I still don't have a problem. We did quite a bit of catching up food-wise, talking about how the past months were and how things are going now, and made a plan to get back on track (which I desperately need and want to do). Lately, I've been struggling with a lot--being able to recognize feeling hungry or full, not being obsessive in my head about "good" and "bad" foods, and trying not to think about how what I'm eating will affect my weight, to name a few. So now I'm back to doing food journals, which always make for good sessions since they're always filled with brutal honesty. A brief look into one of them, taken from Monday around noon while I was at work, really emphasizes the struggle, I think:
"Food: Mini bagel with pumpkin butter and cream cheese, Yoplus light yogurt, goldfish. Hunger: 7 (with 10 being starving); Thoughts: The debate has started in my head. I already feel like I'm going to be mentally unsatisfied because everything is tiny size-wise. But I'm also convinced that it's borderline wayyy too much food because in total it's sixty carbs. I already skipped eating a morning snack, but I have no idea if it was because I actually wasn't hungry or was [hungry] but occupied myself at work so I didn't feel [the hunger]. And even though I'm hungry now, I'm not sure if I'm eating because I want to or because I'm telling myself I should because it's 'lunch time.' Looking at the food and taking a bite, I don't want to do this. I don't want to eat. I feel gross, huge, ashamed. If nothing else, I want to close my [office] door so nobody can see me. I can't even look anybody in the eyes right now. But at least the food [tastes] good, I guess."Looking at the above, there is just such confusion and obsession and preoccupation in my head. But that's my thought process on a relatively regular basis, and I hate it, and having that all subside and transition into "normal eating" is what I hope to gain now.
My initial session with a new therapist was...okay. Of course, in my head, I could only compare her to my one at ASU, and she's nothing like him. That obviously doesn't mean that she's bad by any means, but I think I'm just not mentally ready to make the switch. But in all honesty, I probably would never take the intiative to make the switch. The appointment on Friday evening was somewhat uneventful. I think it was like a traditional first appointment--answering a lot of questions about my history, past behaviors, where I'm at now, etc. My one big worry is that she's too nice. That sounds crazy, but I'm worried that she won't push me enough...but only time will tell with that one. I had that same fear with my therapist from ASU because he's extremely soft-spoken and kindhearted, but over time I came to realize that he most definitely did push me, but in much more subtle ways than the dietitian at ASU did with her sarcasm and blunt comments (which is totally something I'm looking forward to now that I'm seeing her again). I have a second appointment with the new therapist this upcoming weekend and I hope to delve into some of the actual food issues, ed behaviors, and history in abusive relationships to get a better sense of whether or not I like her style.
I also had a huge realization over the weekend: I can't wait to feel vulnerable with both my old dietitian and new therapist. I realized, after the fact, that in both appointments with the dietitian and new therapist, I had a major wall up. I was completely honest with them when I answered their questions, but I also didn't necessarily put myself out there and take the risk of opening up to them. I also realized that, when looking back on my time with my therapist here at ASU, I feel like I made the most progress and had the most productive sessions when I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to feel, to cry, in his office. I want that feeling back--it's almost like a challenge to myself, which I thrive on.
Given that my therapy appointment with my ASU therapist was incredibly painful since he and I both realized that we would be saying goodbye next week, overall things are okay (as I always say). I go through periods where I'm miserable and tear at the thought of saying goodbye to him next week, but also recognize that the switch to a therapist who can support me long-term is necessary. I'm dreading next Wednesday and I'm absolutely petrified. I'm so incredibly scared. I know that I've definitely come to the conclusion that I cannot do this on my own. I can't get through recovery by myself, and my therapist at ASU was one of the most influential and helpful people in this process to date. The thought of not having somebody like him on my support team is what scares me the most.
***
And as mentioned, a few of my favorite pictures I took from this weekend:
10 February 2010
Overwhelmed
I've been way too stressed lately. The situation with my current therapist is a rough one and honestly, I hate it. Even though I know he means well, and transitioning to a therapist who I can see long-term is necessary, I don't want to leave him. The fact that I'm not getting what I need from a nutritional aspect is incredibly stressful and frustrating as well since I desperately need to talk about food-related things and my crazy food thoughts that haven't gone away. I feel like things keep escalating and I have no way to control them.
Yesterday everything finally came to a head in the evening when I had somewhat of a breakdown. My therapist had given me the number of a local eating disorder treatment center that does outpatient therapy and nutrition appointments, yet when I spoke to somebody there during the afternoon I was informed that they are not a part of my insurance plan. After that, I felt completely hopeless and discouraged. I thought it was the one place that would make the therapist transition okay and bearable, yet I was now being rejected, I felt. It left me feeling hopeless and desparate and extra stressed about the whole eating disorder situation and lack of a cohesive treatment team.
After leaving work, I gradually progressed into a panicked and anxious mode and it got to a point where I just couldn't be in my apartment. I just needed to get away. I felt so lost and hopeless and stressed. It's hard enough to deal with an eating disorder with a good team. But dealing with one without that good team? Treacherous. I felt a breakdown coming and there was no way to stop it.
I made a very poor, self-harming decision last night. In the moment, I felt that it was my only outlet. I needed something, anything, to control and dull the pain, anger, frustration, and sadness I was feeling. So I ended up taking it out on myself. The scary thing is, once I engaged in this act, I felt okay. I felt calm. It was like all of the anxiety and worry and "what-if" catastrophizing voices in my head were suddenly quiet. I could think again, I could breathe again, I could relax again. I want to get to that point without engaging in an unhealthy self-harming behavior.
In addition to that, I made the decision to email my old dietitian--the one who had left ASU. I'm so frustrated with the lack of a seeing a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders that I decided to reach out to the one person who I know I connect with and can help me. Hopefully, she'll respond and be willing to meet with me.
Again, overall things are okay. Work is good, classes are good, and TAing is more work than I imagined but I'm loving it. The one bump in the road right now is that I'll be getting foot surgery in ten days and I won't be able to play softball until May. I haven't freaked out about that yet, but I'm sure I will when the reality of having hindered mobility and not being able to play softball truly hits me.
Even though things are "okay," as I always say, I still worry about myself sometimes (more than I ever admit, actually). As I said it to Allison the other night, I feel that I'm always on the gradual verge of a possible breakdown, which usually leads to some sort of unhealthy coping mechanism. On the surface, things are good: school, work, TAing, etc. Yet at times, it's like all of that is just a façade and behind the scenes things can crumble at any time. Walking on eggshells, feeling that you're without the support you need, and might collapse at any minute is such a terrifying feeling to live with.
To get through the day and not worry and dwell on things that might not even happen, and probably won't happen, I try to focus on what makes me happy and what takes my mind off of things. I'm definitely a workaholic, but I can honestly say that I'm both good at what I do and I love what I do at my job and as a TA. One great benefit of it is that it allows me to escape the head of somebody with an eating disorder. Sitting at work, chatting with colleagues, working on projects, and dealing with the "stress" of the workday is actually quite enjoyable for me. I live for my weekdays and fear the weekends, which leave me with little work and too much time for myself. For me, "time for myself" equals time that I'm in my head way too much. I want to be able to look forward to the weekends and look forward for that relaxing downtime the way I now look forward to my weekdays.
Yesterday everything finally came to a head in the evening when I had somewhat of a breakdown. My therapist had given me the number of a local eating disorder treatment center that does outpatient therapy and nutrition appointments, yet when I spoke to somebody there during the afternoon I was informed that they are not a part of my insurance plan. After that, I felt completely hopeless and discouraged. I thought it was the one place that would make the therapist transition okay and bearable, yet I was now being rejected, I felt. It left me feeling hopeless and desparate and extra stressed about the whole eating disorder situation and lack of a cohesive treatment team.
After leaving work, I gradually progressed into a panicked and anxious mode and it got to a point where I just couldn't be in my apartment. I just needed to get away. I felt so lost and hopeless and stressed. It's hard enough to deal with an eating disorder with a good team. But dealing with one without that good team? Treacherous. I felt a breakdown coming and there was no way to stop it.
I made a very poor, self-harming decision last night. In the moment, I felt that it was my only outlet. I needed something, anything, to control and dull the pain, anger, frustration, and sadness I was feeling. So I ended up taking it out on myself. The scary thing is, once I engaged in this act, I felt okay. I felt calm. It was like all of the anxiety and worry and "what-if" catastrophizing voices in my head were suddenly quiet. I could think again, I could breathe again, I could relax again. I want to get to that point without engaging in an unhealthy self-harming behavior.
***
Today was a fresh day and I made the choice to take matters into my own hands and make some more phone calls for a therapist. Lo and behold, I managed to connect with one who came highly recommended to me and I now have an initial appointment with this new woman on Friday evening. I'm nervous, but oddly enough, I found myself actually excited about this appointment. As terrible as it will be to switch therapists, I will admit that somewhere (very deep) inside of me I am excited to work with somebody long-term who will be able to help me heal from the emotional and verbal abuse I faced as a child.In addition to that, I made the decision to email my old dietitian--the one who had left ASU. I'm so frustrated with the lack of a seeing a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders that I decided to reach out to the one person who I know I connect with and can help me. Hopefully, she'll respond and be willing to meet with me.
Again, overall things are okay. Work is good, classes are good, and TAing is more work than I imagined but I'm loving it. The one bump in the road right now is that I'll be getting foot surgery in ten days and I won't be able to play softball until May. I haven't freaked out about that yet, but I'm sure I will when the reality of having hindered mobility and not being able to play softball truly hits me.
Even though things are "okay," as I always say, I still worry about myself sometimes (more than I ever admit, actually). As I said it to Allison the other night, I feel that I'm always on the gradual verge of a possible breakdown, which usually leads to some sort of unhealthy coping mechanism. On the surface, things are good: school, work, TAing, etc. Yet at times, it's like all of that is just a façade and behind the scenes things can crumble at any time. Walking on eggshells, feeling that you're without the support you need, and might collapse at any minute is such a terrifying feeling to live with.
To get through the day and not worry and dwell on things that might not even happen, and probably won't happen, I try to focus on what makes me happy and what takes my mind off of things. I'm definitely a workaholic, but I can honestly say that I'm both good at what I do and I love what I do at my job and as a TA. One great benefit of it is that it allows me to escape the head of somebody with an eating disorder. Sitting at work, chatting with colleagues, working on projects, and dealing with the "stress" of the workday is actually quite enjoyable for me. I live for my weekdays and fear the weekends, which leave me with little work and too much time for myself. For me, "time for myself" equals time that I'm in my head way too much. I want to be able to look forward to the weekends and look forward for that relaxing downtime the way I now look forward to my weekdays.
***
One thing that makes work enjoyable is my new addition to my desk:
A surprise present from Allison...how sweet :-)
05 February 2010
Another Change
Yet again (third time now, I think), it's been WAY too long since the last post. This blogging thing is incredibly difficult at the beginning of the semester! Then throw in being super sick for a week and averting a mini life crisis or two, and here we are, two weeks later.
So, the "life crisis or two"--last week, my therapist dropped a bomb on me when he told me that I'm going to need to start transitioning to another therapist. Essentially, given the abusive relationships I've had in the past, most notably with my mother, it's best if I see somebody who can better support me. Since he works at a university, he's not available in crisis situations--just Monday through Friday, 8:00-5:00. When people start to work through such heavy issues (as undoubtedly I'm going to be), it can be typical that they'll need some extra support during non-traditional hours. As he said, he wouldn't be a good therapist if he didn't start to transition me to someone out in the community. Now I completely understand where he's coming from, but I just don't want to switch therapists. I've never ever had such a good connection or relationship with a therapist as I have with him. The thought of leaving and having to see somebody else is absolutely terrifying and sad. Already feeling lost on the nutritional end of things, hearing that I now may be without one of my biggest supports puts me on the verge of panic.
I'm not sure exactly when this transition will take place, but I'm hopeful that it can wait until the end of the semester or at least until a new dietitian is hired who actually specializes in eating disorders. While I've come to greatly appreciate the conversations that Karla and I have had over the past few weeks, I still feel that I can't talk to her about the food aspect of things, which is problematic. I feel like my therapist is the strongest part of my team (Dr. H is still great as always, but I don't see her nearly as often or talk about things in great detail as she's just a doctor) and losing him makes me wonder if I'll be able to not collapse completely.
Mini life crisis #2 was getting a phone call from the nursing home where my Gradma Jo is staying that they think she only has ~6 months to live. She's 103 and I was super close with her. For the past 8 years or so, it was her apartment I always went to when I wanted or needed to escape the craziness in my own house. Hearing that it may be her time to go soon was incredibly tough and saddening. So far, she seems to be stable, but having the thought constantly in the back of my head that she could go at any time just adds to my general anxiety.
Other than those two minor (okay, major) things, outside of the eating disorder things are okay. School is going well and work is going well, so that's always appreciated. I did find out yesterday that I'm going to be needing surgery on my foot in two weeks, so I'm not quite sure how that's going to play into my general mindset, given that I have control issues and now I'm going to have to let somebody else take care of me for awhile, among other things.
Okay, time to go back to work and start answering the student emails that have been piling up in my inbox--TAing is very intensive!
So, the "life crisis or two"--last week, my therapist dropped a bomb on me when he told me that I'm going to need to start transitioning to another therapist. Essentially, given the abusive relationships I've had in the past, most notably with my mother, it's best if I see somebody who can better support me. Since he works at a university, he's not available in crisis situations--just Monday through Friday, 8:00-5:00. When people start to work through such heavy issues (as undoubtedly I'm going to be), it can be typical that they'll need some extra support during non-traditional hours. As he said, he wouldn't be a good therapist if he didn't start to transition me to someone out in the community. Now I completely understand where he's coming from, but I just don't want to switch therapists. I've never ever had such a good connection or relationship with a therapist as I have with him. The thought of leaving and having to see somebody else is absolutely terrifying and sad. Already feeling lost on the nutritional end of things, hearing that I now may be without one of my biggest supports puts me on the verge of panic.
I'm not sure exactly when this transition will take place, but I'm hopeful that it can wait until the end of the semester or at least until a new dietitian is hired who actually specializes in eating disorders. While I've come to greatly appreciate the conversations that Karla and I have had over the past few weeks, I still feel that I can't talk to her about the food aspect of things, which is problematic. I feel like my therapist is the strongest part of my team (Dr. H is still great as always, but I don't see her nearly as often or talk about things in great detail as she's just a doctor) and losing him makes me wonder if I'll be able to not collapse completely.
Mini life crisis #2 was getting a phone call from the nursing home where my Gradma Jo is staying that they think she only has ~6 months to live. She's 103 and I was super close with her. For the past 8 years or so, it was her apartment I always went to when I wanted or needed to escape the craziness in my own house. Hearing that it may be her time to go soon was incredibly tough and saddening. So far, she seems to be stable, but having the thought constantly in the back of my head that she could go at any time just adds to my general anxiety.
Other than those two minor (okay, major) things, outside of the eating disorder things are okay. School is going well and work is going well, so that's always appreciated. I did find out yesterday that I'm going to be needing surgery on my foot in two weeks, so I'm not quite sure how that's going to play into my general mindset, given that I have control issues and now I'm going to have to let somebody else take care of me for awhile, among other things.
Okay, time to go back to work and start answering the student emails that have been piling up in my inbox--TAing is very intensive!
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