Dan's little holiday gathering went well. It was definitely awkward, but more so in my head than anything else. I had the typical, "Oh my god these people must think I'm so fat" thoughts, but I was able to actively challenge them and realize the reality of the situation. My nutrition appointment on Wednesday did not go too well (more on that below), yet my therapy session on Thursday went fabulously, thank goodness--I needed it to go well. Today was the day of the office holiday party, and the ed thoughts were flat-out raging, fully encompassing me. It was a typical eating disorder kind of meal. I sat alone, in a corner, not talking to anybody. I saw some people try to make eye contact with me, or begin to open their mouths to speak to me, and I immediately looked down. Or looked to the left. Or to the right. Played with my phone. Anything to avoid engaging in conversation. I pretended to be engrossed with my food. In a way, I was engrossed with it. Trying not to think of how it tasted and trying not to obsess over how many calories I was putting into my body. I dabbled between mindlessly eating--not tasting or feeling the food--and barely eating--moving the food around on the plate, trying to make it appear like I was eating, cutting things into tiny pieces. I tried not to think about how I should have chosen mere salad and fruit instead of a more caloric option. My whole body was fidgety. I was bouncing both legs. I probably looked ridiculous, keeping to myself, flailing around, not making eye contact. I had to force myself to eat, and I did, but the second I was finished, I booked it out of there, back to my desk. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand to be there, listening to everybody laugh and joke and enjoy their food with not a care in the world, while I was obsessing over everything. I'm still freaked out about it. I feel like, to calm my nerves, a binge will be inevitable. They happen before I'm even aware of it. It sounds so dumb, like it would be so simple to say to myself, "Just not eat. Stop." but I can't. Not because I don't have the willpower to, or because I'm too weak, fat, etc. But because it's overwhelming. Just like purging, it's this overwhelming urge, and the realization of what you just did doesn't hit you until after it's all over.
I'm relapsing. Plain and simple. Typing it makes it painfully real. Makes my breath catch in my throat. And with it being real, with me acknowledging it, means I have to acknowledge the fear of relapsing. I hate to say it, I hate to admit it. I didn't realize it when it first started, which was maybe 3 weeks ago. It took me up until two days ago to realize it. I feel like I'm back in the spiral of restricting and bingeing, or restricting and overeating, with crazy obsessive food thoughts accompanying the actions, and I haven't routinely checked my blood sugar in I don't even know how long. I don't know what it is to eat normally anymore. I thought I knew. I had made so much progress since August, and then as of late, it's just all flown out the window. I'm lost, confused, sad, depressed, scared. It's been so long (months) since I was in a place where I felt like this. It wasn't always good, or easy, but at least I knew I was making progress, and I had hope. Hope to be able to eat normally. Hope to be able to not obsess over calories and fat grams and carbohydrates. Hope to not eternally debate over whether or not I should eat, how much I should eat, and what I should eat. Hope to live a life free of the eating disorder hell. Now, I no longer have that hope.
I know recovery is a possibility. I know it's out there, I know it exists. But it no longer seems to be within my grasp. It's no longer a tangible possibility for me. For others, yes. For me, I'm not sure anymore. And that's the scariest thought of all. That I might not be able to recover. I'm scared out of my freaking mind right now. I'm so scared. I haven't felt this lost, confused, or out of control since the summer--when I had no support team or treatment. Now, it's so much worse because I have the exact same feelings and thoughts as I did before, but with a treatment team. Well, the majority of a treatment team...
My dietitian dropped a bomb on me two weeks ago. She's leaving ASU. When she first told me this, I was speechless and shocked, to say the least. My first thought was, "What am I supposed to do?!" I had been through so much with her. She was the first person I let into my crazy world of ed thoughts and behaviors. Although ashamed and embarrassed at first, I let her into the secrets of the binges, restricting, food rules, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and finally, the purging. She and I developed a relationship I never thought I'd have with somebody who knew all of those secrets--one full of respect, care, understanding, and trust. Now, all of that was going to be taken away from me. Upon leaving that appointment two weeks ago, she assured me that she would still see me through her private practice and that we would "work something out." My first thought was there was absolutely no way I could pay out of pocket to see her, but my anxiety was relieved by her words of "[working] something out." When I saw her this past Wednesday, we talked more about upcoming appointments. Once she told me how much it would cost to see her, I mentally freaked out. With my parents refusing to pay for simple copays, there was no way they'd be willing to pay as much as it cost to see her. I left that appointment on Wednesday feeling dejected, anxious, and hopeless.
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to switch dietitians. If ASU does not replace her, I'm going to have to go out in the community and find one. The thought of having to essentially "start over" with somebody new, go through another assessment, talk about the ed behaviors and thoughts, is terrifying. I don't want to. My chest is tight and I'm incredibly anxious just writing about it. How am I supposed to open up again? To allow myself to be so incredibly vulnerable when I don't feel safe yet? To talk about the ed behaviors--the bingeing, purging, restricting--when I'm so scared?
I don't know what's going to happen regarding a new dietitian. I'm not sure if ASU will hire somebody new or if I'll have to go elsewhere. Since the holidays are coming up, nobody seems too sure how quickly there will be answers. At best, I'll have to wait two weeks. On Christmas, I'll be flying into Philadelphia to meet Allison's family and spend a few days with them. Then, Allison and I will be driving together back to Arizona, as she's moving in with me. I hope, by the time of our return, I'll have some sort of definitive answer regarding a dietitian. I know it's imperative for me to get my routine back--see my therapist weekly, a dietitian weekly, and my doctor bi-weekly or monthly. As of right now, given the holidays and the dietitian circumstances, there is no routine. This is especially bad when I need my routine back. I need some sort of stability in my life.
I hate playing waiting games, and I feel like that's what this is--one big waiting game. But waiting is not going to help with the eating disorder. It's not going to prevent relapse. It's not going to allow me to get my life back. It's not going to do much of anything, other than allow everything to spiral out of control. I know recovery needs to be met head on, and I'm legitimately trying so hard. But what can be done, what can I do, when I'm trying my absolute hardest and the things preventing my recovery are out of my control? How am I supposed to know it gets better when I don't have the support or the team I need? I'm trying so hard to survive, to manage, to keep my head above the water, yet I'm slowly slipping down the perilous slope of relapse and it's scaring the hell out of me...
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