At first, I merely agonized over what to bake and avoided thinking of everything else I was fearing and why I was fearing it. I decided on my fabulous cheescake bars, as they've been a crowd favorite in the past.
This presented another issue: making them without eating any. Desserts are at the top of my "Under No Circumstances Will You Eat This" list. I see absolutely NO reason to include desserts in my diet. Forget about the fact that they taste good, I'm allowed to have them, they're not "bad," etc. To me, there is nothing good about them. They're just full of calories I don't need, fat grams I never need (let's not get into my fear of fat--I had some fun nutrition appointments consisting of being called out on why what I'm thinking is downright ridiculous, although my fabulous dietitian was/is absolutely right), and talk about the guilt and shame of putting something like that into my mouth, tasting it, feeling it, swallowing it, and knowing my body will be absorbing it. Treacherous task. I managed to get through the making of the cheesecake bars just fine. My fears about the actual act of eating in front of people began to creep in, and of eating desserts, but it didn't drive me to engage in any negative ed behaviors. I didn't restrict. I didn't want to purge. It didn't bring on a binge. At the end of it all, I allowed myself to eat one. It was a huge debate, but I know one thing that's so important in the breaking of the ed cycle is to make yourself feel mentally uncomfortable.
***
In talking with Allison the other day about all of this ed stuff, she brought up a fabulous point. Dealing with the actions is easy. Stop restricting. Stop bingeing. Stop purging. Stop counting calories. But when you stop all of those actions, you're left with all of the thoughts. At first, it's the obsessive "I should...." and "I have to..." and "I need to..." I should restrict. I have to binge. I need to purge. I have to engage in that negative behavior in order to cover up and not feel the hurt, pain, fear, or whatever it is that you're using the ed behavior to control or avoid. Then, after you realize, "Okay, maybe I don't have to engage in these actions" you're stuck with those feelings you were using ed behaviors to cover up. Being in your own head, not just thinking but actively feeling whatever hurt or pain drove you to an eating disorder is terrible. Having to deal with the hurtful, spiteful, and downright abusive words and actions from my parents the first time around, as it happened, year after year after year, was bad enough. It drove me to internalize all of their negative words, hate myself, engage in unhealthy behaviors. Dealing with all of that and treating yourself like that for such a long time is so incredibly damaging. Having to relive those feelings again now, and with the absence of those very ed behaviors you used to cope in the first place, can be pure mental torture. Yet it's what's necessary for recovery. Skimming the surface and merely stopping the behaviors while refusing or not allowing yourself to get into the deeper mental aspect of everything isn't enough. It took me awhile to realize this, but now that I have, I know how much work still has to be done. I don't want to relive the hell my life has been, but I know it's necessary. It's what will allow me to feel good for the first time in my life.***
Back to tonight. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I HATE eating in front of other people, especially if I've never met them. I know it's all in my head and most likely, completely untrue. But I still think it. I'm petrified, almost paralyzed by the fear, that they'll take one look at me eating (and whether it's carrots or chocolate cake doesn't matter) and think all of these negative thoughts. As if me eating means I'm a bad person who should hate herself. On the outside, they'll be smiling, enjoying their food, making small talk with me, the usual conversation. Yet in their heads, they'll be collectively thinking, "Gross. She's gross. What is she doing eating? She needs to go on a diet. Of course she's eating, she's the fat one. She should be ashamed of herself. She has no self-control, no willpower. How weak and disgusting. Fat. Good thing she's smart because she certainly doesn't have her looks going for her. I'm glad I don't look like that." The reality of the situation? Nobody will be thinking that. Yet in the moment, that's what I'm scared of.
I hate admitting to myself that I feel fat. But I do. Probably on a regular basis. At the best of times, a positive thought will sneak in, like "Wow! You're really not as fat as you think!" But those are few and far in between. The most common is, "You've gained ten pounds overnight. What is wrong with you?" It's so easy to admit that I feel fat when I'm sitting behind the anonymity of a computer screen. I feel fat. I just said it, pretty simple, right? Nobody can read the hurt in my body language, the emotion in my eyes, the sadness and fear in my tone of voice. But sitting in a therapy or nutrition session and saying that? A whole different story. It leaves you incredibly vulnerable, open. It's personal. It's so much easier to only allow that thought to barely sneak it's foot around the corner of your brain, and then quickly slamming that door shut, while outwardly pretending everything is okay and you like yourself, how you look, and what you're all about.
I'm so tired of choosing what I'm eating based on my fear. Whether it's in a situation like tonight, or in general, I'm sick of it. I just want to eat whatever I'm in the mood for and find appetizing in the moment and not have to worry about calories, fat grams, or carbohydrates. Friday is a similar situation: the office holiday party. I'm thinking I'll be more comfortable there as I already know everybody I work with, and in addition to that, my boss knows about it all: the eating disorder, the emotional abuse, the team I have here. I definitely feel comfortable around her and that does a world of good on easing my nerves. Yet there will be an absolutely plethora of food as everybody is bringing some sort of dish. I'm going to have no idea the nutritional facts on all of the homemade food and I know I'll be agonizing and scrutinizing every choice I make. I'll need to get out of my head.
And with that, some of my favorite ways to get out of my head:
(My new obsession)
(My most calming hobby, in addition to writing)
(Anything remotely athletic that gets the adrenaline and endorphins pumping and brings out my competitiveness...including breaking in this early Christmas present to myself)
(Who doesn't love Rock Band?)
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